Brunch Bonds
By Kit Hornbrook
Brunch Bonds: Prioritizing Female Friendships
I feel like there is a constant focus on the fulfillment that romantic relationships can bring. Don’t get me wrong, they can be amazing and life altering. However, I have found that platonic relationships can be just as or even more profound themselves. After going through an absolutely crushing break-up, I felt as though my life was in shambles. It was my friends who helped to put me back together, piece by piece. Most of my friends at the time that stuck by me, I had known for less than 6 months, but they rallied around me nonetheless and stopped me from sinking completely. It was through this I realized what I had been missing for a better part of my twenties, friends who truly cared about me, who saw me completely, flaws and all.
I also realized during that time I had been neglecting those relationships for the better part of half a decade, seeking to find complete fulfillment where there could never be any in an increasingly hollow relationship. But despite this, my friends were quick to embrace me and remind me that I didn’t have to work to earn their love, they simply gave it to me freely. This was something completely foreign to me growing up in a house where love was earned. It scared me at first, it felt like a trap, especially at such a vulnerable time in my life, but they saw right through me, and I’m forever grateful they did.
Honestly, one thing that helped shift my perspective, was watching Sex in the City for the first time following my breakup. Watching these women in their thirties be able to depend on each other. No matter how bad life got, they would meet for lunch, and decompress without shame by leaning on each other. You can feel their bond when you watch the show, and you can’t help but long for a group of friends like them, even if things aren’t always smooth sailing. I realized these friendships don’t magically just appear, you need to actually put the work in.
This also taught me the important lesson that you don’t have to wait for your life to completely fall apart to reach out for help. I was so used to just pushing through everything by myself that I forgot how important having a support system is. So make those brunch plans, despite how busy all your schedules are. Invite your friends over for brunch, a game night, hell, even just a
movie, but whatever you do, build those bonds now and build them to last. It doesn’t matter if you have to start anew, as long as you start.
There is a quote from bell hook’s All About Love that has really stuck with me: “To love well is the task in all meaningful relationships, not just romantic bonds” (bell hooks 91). To truly pour your time and effort into your platonic relationships is a form of love in of itself. She reminds us not to abandon our other important relationships and forms of love in our quest for romance. How many friends can you think of off the top of your head that stopped making plans as soon as they were in a new relationship? I can think of quite a few from my life, and I for one, would like to break that cycle within myself while I’m still young.
Another meaningful quote of hers that really stuck with me is “[s]elf love cannot flourish in isolation” (bell hook 54). We are social creatures, no one is meant to truly be alone, and in seeking platonic connections and female friendships we can grow in ways we never thought possible. Having people truly that truly understand you is the greatest gift. For me, my friends are my lifeboat. They keep me afloat even when it feels like the storm will never cease. They remind me to love myself like they love me, and that has helped diminish many of the insecurities that I used to let control me.
Platonic friendships, like romantic relationships, won’t magically fix everything in your life. However, true friends make it much easier to get over the hurdles of life. Sometimes all you need is a helping hand, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed to ask for it. Having people who care about you, not just what you can give them, will always be your ultimate lifeline. I’ve had many people toss me aside when it becomes obvious I won’t give them what they want from me, especially in a romantic sense. Many of those people I even considered friends at once point, but it taught me a valuable lesson. Surround yourself with people who truly know you, and accept you just as you are. Friends like that will help you grow in ways you would never imagine, simply because they let you do it at your own pace and without shame.
Citations
hooks, bell. All about Love: New Visions. New York, Harper Perennial, 22 Dec. 1999.
Kit Hornbrook is a romance enthusiast. She is currently working on her first novel of a
long planned series. When they are not writing at their favorite coffee shop, she’s wandering the
shore of the beautiful Lake Superior collecting rocks. As a femme lesbian their idea of love is
strongly colored by her deep love of butches and the queer community in general, and hopes to
always represent and uplift them in and with their works. You can find her on Instagram
@kit.hornbrook or TikTok @kitandthecrows
